Growth and Mourning.

Mourn final

   ” No one ever tells you about the amount of mourning in growth.” – Te V. Smith

For the past year, I’ve been struggling with the whole ” growing up ” thing. I’ve been on and off the wagon, I’ve fell through the cracks, managed to pull myself up for a bit, and then fell right through again.

My fears are enveloping me. “Was it a wrong decision to quit my first job? Will I ever find love? Will I ever save up enough money to support myself?”  I’ve been thinking about everything and I feel like these thoughts have been choking me into believing that I am inadequate. Being negative has saved me from a lot of things, it has saved me from disappointment, from loneliness. But what it hasn’t saved me from is the way I belittle myself. I’ve constantly repeated to myself that I can’t achieve anything because I know myself too well. ” You’re lazy, Gabbie. When did you ever achieve anything that you’re actually proud of? Wow, you graduated? So did a million other people. Sila, may honorable mention pa. A guy?? A real actual guy, fall in love with you?? Are you kidding?? Get your sh*t together first!” Well, Gabrielle. It ain’t over ’til you say it’s over.

Growing up involves a lot of uncomfortable changing, and moving. But more so, I believe that growing up means that you’re acknowledging the fact that you’re not just who you think you are. You’re more.

For now, this is my battle, and I will fight to the death.

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