I was born a romantic. Seriously. I cried at the rom coms, I would always smile when I see old couples in benches under trees and I’ve been in love myself. Sometimes, it wasn’t even just the people that I’ve felt love towards, I fell in love with places, with moments, with things and with time. I remember when I was young I couldn’t even let go of my really ratty doll called Bantot. I loved him and I couldn’t sleep without him. That was just me. I loved being in love. I was just born that way.
But, the same intensity of emotion that I felt towards falling in love, was the same amount of sadness I felt when I get my heart broken. And it’s not just the pivotal moments that would get me down. There are moments when there didn’t have to be a reason, or the reason was just to damn small, that I couldn’t make a connection between what I was thinking, and what I was feeling. There was a gap there. And then something happened in my life, and it felt like all the love and affection that was who I was, was gone. All that was left was this blank and dreary feeling. And I didn’t know myself anymore. Every single good thing that happened in my life at that time, felt temporary. It felt like the whole world, even the ones who loved you, was out to get you.
( If you’d noticed, that was the time I wrote my earlier blog posts )
Until one day, with the help of my parents and my twin sister, I got some help. I’m not going to delve into details here, but bottom line is, I was in the road to recovery. I didn’t want to at first. It’s funny because this sadness, it wanted to stay. Because for so long, my sadness was me. I felt scared to let go of this because I didn’t know what was next. Time passed by, and then I realized that I wanted to get better. I wanted to find me. And that was the time when I could laugh so genuinely that I didn’t care how many chins appeared under my face. I didn’t care what people thought, I just pursued what I wanted ( with careful deliberation ). I would still plummet sometimes, but I would get better.
So, this is where I am now.
I saw this video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_UWGKzqMwso and I literally cried my eyes out. Because I’ve always blamed myself for being so naive and so fragile. I blamed my self for being in love so much. I even felt guilty for being sad, because I didn’t have the right to be sad. And when I watched this video, I kind of got the sense why I was made like this.
It was because needed to see for myself that love comes from YOURSELF first, before anyone else. The most precious lesson I learned from this chapter in my life, was when the moment I CHOSE to believe in myself, that was when I knew that love existed. That it won’t be handed to me, I wasn’t going to chase it. I was going to make it. The love you create within yourself, is the love that you spread around the people you love.
So, my advice to you is accept who you are, from your head to your toes. Don’t stop loving. The moment we believe that love has to come from others, is the moment we lose. Love comes from you.
( Phew, that was one of the most emotional blog posts ever! )