Holding Back

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April 3, 2016. 3:07 AM

It was what I felt like the perfect moment to tell you.

I was close enough to lean on you, and drunk enough to give you excuses. In that moment, I started looking at the things that made you you: The way you touch, how you smelled, the way my head fit perfectly sitting on your shoulder. It was when I deemed the perfect to tell you how much you caused a stir in me. How many times I looked at your familiar face and thought how much I wanted to tell you that I like you, more than I should.

And every time we’re together, I try to convince myself how truly wrong we are for each other, how I am not made for you, and that you are not for me. But I always end up laughing so hard that I forget I had walls to keep up. I always tell myself it’s okay to be around you, because we’re friends anyway.

But tonight, I made the hard decision of telling myself to let go, in whatever way I can. Because I cannot risk getting my heart broken again, because I cannot trust myself again to make the mistake of falling in love with someone I could never end up with.

And now as I write this, I will tell myself that it’s okay, because I know that for once, I am choosing me. Because I know that right now, I need to build myself to be strong enough first in order to handle new heartbreaks and challenges. Tonight, I am not ready.  Tonight, I am spending these hours by myself. Because I know that’s how it should be.

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