On being alive

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Life has a funny way of moving us, doesn’t it?

When you’ve been thrown off course, abandoned and hurt, you tend to refer to life as an evil, manipulative and over all awful thing that pulls and drags our beings into pits and hurricanes of unfavorable situations.

Precisely three weeks ago, life had found a way to once again, orchestrate, a perfectly disruptive tragedy in my life. As melodramatic as that sounds, that’s how I felt when it  happened.

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I knew I had to keep moving. I knew I had to completely go against my nature and defy how my emotions were making me feel, and I did. I was actually making good progress: I had learned a lot of things in the last 3 weeks and I plan on keeping that going. Everything was fine, until today. My sister had been talking about school, and how the tuition was exceptionally high. It was just an innocent conversation, and I myself did not expect to get affected by this. But, from this conversation, it had us talking about how the heck we were going to earn that kind of money, which had me thinking about how I had basically no direction, career-wise. I started panicking, I felt more like a burden to everyone around me more than ever. I couldn’t believe myself. These toxic thoughts, I usually try to counter them with a more rational argument, but this time, I couldn’t. How could I counter “You’re not good enough.”, when basically, being not good enough was what brought me into this mess. Then I realized that I was a mere dot in the great big galaxy called “the scheme of things”. I was not enough, I am not enough, I will never be enough. I knew these thoughts.  They were familiar. I knew them, and yet they manifested in different ways and different degrees. I was grieving. I then realized, that I hadn’t allowed myself to feel sad about this. And now, for the last time, I want to feel all the grief that I need to feel about this.

So this is me, hurt, broken, sad, lonely. This is me, telling myself that I’ve had enough of it. This is me, scared and vulnerable.

I had this idea, that my achievements, my job, my dignity, what I had going for me, were going to save me from thinking this way. But you know what? Someone will always be better than me. Someone will always be smarter, wittier, taller, better. And this reality is more real than ever, especially when I’ve been told point-blank, by people that I admired, that I was not good enough.

I was ashamed. It made no sense. I started asking myself “Why then live this life? Why then move forward? Why then have the fear of waking up the next morning knowing how easy it is to lose everything you had?”

To answer these questions, I started looking at the things, and the people whom I loved deeply. First and foremost, I looked at my family. My mom would always tell me how when she and my dad would talk about the future and how it’s very uncertain, my dad would just tell her ” Basta, lumaki silang mabuting tao.” (Just as long as they grow up to be good people). They didn’t account for anything, they didn’t impose how much money we had to make or what jobs deemed us worthy. No. All they wanted for us was to be good people. And then I looked at this blog, and my photography. I never actually get paid to do this. I’m not even sure if anyone reads my long rants, but I keep shooting and I keep writing. Why? because this was never about anyone else. I kept this for me. I like doing this, it makes me feel peaceful.

I realized, nobody is counting. Nobody but me. We are all different people, we have different journeys, different lives. I have my own life to live. I believe that there is enough light in eyes, and spark in my soul that tell me that I deserve to be here, and that this is mine.

In the end of the day, there will always be critics telling you to be a certain way. There will always be wrong turns, and dead ends, but it’s okay because nobody ever said that this journey is a race. If it were a race, the only person you’re competing with is yourself, because bottom line is this:

Life, is inside of us. Life is in our thoughts, in our hearts. In what we say and what we do. That is life.

Life is not adversity, life is not luck. These two are merely situations. Life is in the way I see, the way I speak, the way I think, and life, for me is my own way of making sense of this all.

So here I am, sad, broken, lonely and most importantly, alive.

 

 

 

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