The Puzzle of Self Doubt

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I always have a great struggle in getting out of my own thoughts. In this web of implications, biases, assumptions, and other emotionally-driven web of thoughts that I have, the most destructive of all is self-doubt. We live in a society that tells us we are lacking in many ways, things that we can and cannot control: In education, in material objects, in relationships, our bodies. And it is the business of some industries to bank on the gap between the cracks of our very human insecurities.

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As  much as I’d like to blame everything on the big, bad guys, that’s not the whole picture. I graduated graduated BS Advertising Management. I had entered into this course because I saw an ad for a beauty product here in the Philippines, that was really anti-feminist. It featured a woman, who was only loved by her husband because of her looks. I wanted to change things, and when I started working, I realized, that I could not. It was my job to make things look desirable, and I had such a problem with that, because I viewed big business and corporate companies as monsters. The only way I could stomach working for an agency was to remember that I had to learn everything, to unlearn everything again. When I started meeting clients, I started thinking that that is not necessarily the case. I started braking barriers in my mind. Seeing faces and real people behind projects, and brains behind campaigns, made me realize that, sometimes, it wasn’t them. Most of the time, it was me.

* Clarification: this statement is based on my experience and is true only in certain cases. 

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We all had our own enemies. Mine was always self-doubt. And growing up, I have realized that this battle actually existed in my own head and I could only conquer it by really understanding what went on there. That whatever society dictates, or says, we are not perfectly made human beings, we will always have gaps, and insecurities and days when we don’t feel like we deserve any good thing at all.

Maybe the reason why I had doubted myself too much, was because I saw myself in my own biases. Whenever I thought to myself, and thought to myself, there was already judgement, even before I really got down to why I was feeling these certain emotions. What I found really helped was to look at myself in a third-person perspective. To see myself without judgement.

There are still some cases where self doubt can’t be helped. But slowly, I am learning to forgive myself, and accept that there are some things that I can not be a million things at once. And slowly, I am trying to remove years of shame in my record, and staring with a clean slate.

I am slowly learning to give myself a chance.

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