Journal Entry #8: 02/18/2017

Last night, I couldn’t sleep. I feel like a cloud of dread, anxiety and dreariness has been hanging over my head for a while now. I’ve been trying hard to fight it from consuming my thoughts and emotions, but last night, I really couldn’t take it anymore. It took all of my willpower to get myself to sleep. I woke up feeling the same way. I lied in bed. I didn’t want to stand up. I had to shake it off, but it was taking me a while. I was starting to get a headache.

I looked at the window, and saw my camera sitting on one of the chairs below. I wanted to capture this emotion, I wanted to encapsulate this feeling in photos.

 

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I’ve been dealing with a lot of self-conflict lately. I feel like I haven’t been forgiving with myself lately. I didn’t allow myself to become vulnerable, or to become less than what is expected from me. By force of habit, I beat myself up and ruminate over the things that make me imperfect. Maybe because I started to see myself through other people’s eyes. I started to become a reflection of what I think others wanted me to be, and again I lost myself.  (Again)

I feel restless and I feel disappointed because I feel that this narrative has been said over and over again, and yet here I am, back to square one.

 

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