This makes no sense

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I’ve been into photography for quite sometime now. And to be honest, sometimes I love it. Sometimes, inspiration just comes to me and it’s flowers and daisies and really pretty butterflies blah blah blah, but on normal days, I find it so hard to convince myself that I am an artist/photographer. I’ve always had this internal conflict, and I find that writing (or typing) it down helps me process this and makes me feel renewed.

So as I’m thinking about this, the question that comes to mind is, why do I feel this way? Is it because I don’t put out enough work? Is it because I keep comparing myself to others? Is it because I’m afraid that if I don’t succeed now, I might just die trying and end up dying without purpose or meaning (wow, that escalated quickly…) but, yes, I feel like I feel a little bit of that everyday. And it definitely draws from the fact that I am still drawing validation externally. Not from myself.

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You can say that SOMETIMES it is healthy to have these thoughts, for you to keep going and improving your work. But, come to think of it, when is it ever healthy to put yourself down? And for the sake of what? To be liked? To be validated? I don’t think so. Maybe I just keep forgetting to remind myself that I am not my work. Yes, I love taking photos, yes this is a personal experience for me, but, ultimately, the work that I put out, and I, as a human being, are two separate entities. And when people reject my work, it is not a direct rejection on ME. (more of like a big chunk of me hahaha), but still.

Yes, the work that I release is a reflection of how I feel, or who I am, but in the end of the day, the most important this is that I made that. I am proud that this body of work came from my brain!! And if it’s not good enough for others, well, I am still proud of myself for putting it out there.

Hmm…I’m now thinking that I don’t make a lot of sense haha.

Thank you for letting me ramble.

 

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