If you see my previous posts or if you know me personally, you’d know that I spend a few days of the week at our farm. Being around nature and quiet has really had a significant effect on my mental health. It gives me time to pause and think, and truly reflect on what truly matters to me. So I decided to write some of those thoughts down.
1.
One of my biggest emotional turmoils ever since has been my insecurity about my work, or how good I am at what I do. Since I work as a freelance graphic designer and photograher, I would get jealous of people who put out such good work and I would immediately put myself down for not releasing “good enough” work. This is especially magnified when it comes to my photography. And whenever I felt this, I would get restless and I would immediately spiral, until time makes me feel better.
Probably, my biggest realization about this is that you always have to go back to your “why”. I started thinking about why I liked being creative and sharing my vision. It was because I felt that it was the best way that I could express my emotions. And following that as a guideline, I realize that I am doing my best, and that what I put out, is what is in my heart. It may not necessarily be the best, but it is an encapsulation of what is dear to me, and that makes it special, even if it’s just for me.
2.
What do I want? That’s the first question that guided me when I thought about what my dream and purpose in life were. And because of that, I started seeking out for what I thought I wanted: I thought that what I truly wanted was to be recognized. I wanted people to have a good perception of me, I wanted to have a perfect life, I wanted to be remembered. But the thing is, everything I just stated was based on external factors. And after chasing these things for a while, it became toxic. I became too dependent on this. And because I thought I was “failing” for not getting what I “wanted”, I isolated myself, and decided to go to the farm with my parents and just escape.
And in isolation, I started to question myself. I tried to analyze life as it is. No frills, no anything. I asked myself this question: “What is in the core of your soul? If there was one thing you wanted to be, or if there is one thing that defines you as a living, breathing, human being, what would you want it to be?” and at that moment I decided, what matters to me the most is that I just wanted to be a good person. Whatever space I take up in this world, I just want to live my life trying to do something good, whatever field, no matter how small or big. I just want to do it with heart, and with kindness and hopefully, I can make my small space an impactful and productive one.
3.
Not really a thought, but I always feel this: With all the politics, and all the bad people in the government and in high positions, and people dehumanizing and destroying other people, I often have a hard time thinking about all our country’s issues. But when I stare at trees, and at sunlight peering through the leaves, I feel a little bit better. And it reminds me that I love this rich and generous land that is my country.
Still though, some people are just scum. Please vote wisely this 2018 elections! Vote people who will empower the citizens, not just who they want. Preferably those who truly love our country.
4.
My parents are amazing people. I get inspired by them everyday.
Thank you, Mom and Dad.
5.
Being genuine and living your truth is key to finding what truly matters to you. It is a constant struggle to find what matters to you when you box yourself in who you think you are, or who you think you should be. Your personality is not a checkmark or a list. It is your choices and your decisions.
Be genuine and observe. You will find what really matters to you.
depth of feels 